Rules to Better Giving and Taking Feedback
In any job, you will most likely at some point face some criticism. Someone may be telling you that you’ve done something wrong or just expressing displeasure because you didn’t do something they wanted.
The best way to take this is to reply to the person and tell them the following 3 A's.
The 3 A’s: Acknowledge, Apologize, Act
Acknowledge - The first part of good customer service is acknowledging that something happened. If you don't acknowledge the pain, then another person won't know if you agree or not.
Apologize - Apologize if you messed up… or even if you didn’t. Just be clear you are sorry for their situation. E.g. "I am sorry for the downtime you have been experiencing today"
Action - Lastly, explain how you will take action now, and in the future.
Even if you've been wrongly accused of something, you should still show you understand the other person's frustration and demonstrate initiative. Always have a view of the future and the big picture.
Warning: When wrongly accused of something, most people get stuck on defending themselves, where customers would prefer to hear you care, will take any ownership of the problem, and tell them your plan asap.
Next is to see if you can avoid it happening in the first place – you could explain the new steps in the process you’ll add or simply say: "I'll be more diligent testing in the future".
More: The 3 A’s of Business (a great article from American Express) https://www.americanexpress.com/en-us/business/trends-and-insights/articles/the-three-as-of-business/
The impulse to win an argument and prove that you are right can be a strong driving force, but it's important not to let it take priority over keeping a good client.
If the client is unhappy or upset, it's more important to show empathy and demonstrate that you understand your client's point of view, as it is more likely to win you future work.
Make sure you start a reply to an angry client with something like "I understand your frustration, and I think I can stop this happening again".
At this point in time, you want to aim for a compromise, where each party meets the other somewhere in the middle.
Don’t start thinking that some conspiracy is behind someone's actions.
American writer William James (born 1842) said:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity"
Brian Harry (in 2018) said something similar in Giving feedback:
"I’ve observed that humans have an inherent tendency to want to ascribe motive – to determine why someone did something."
“Joe left me out of that important conversation because he was trying to undermine me.”
Any time you find yourself filling in the because clause, stop. You don't know why someone does anything. That is locked up securely in their head. When filling in that blank people insert some negative reason that's worse than reality. So, when giving feedback, stick to what you can see.
“Joe, you left me out of that important conversion. I felt undermined by that. Why did you do it?”
In this example, I articulate exactly what I saw happen, how it made me feel and ask Joe to explain to me why. Joe may dispute that he left me out – that's fairly factual and we can discuss evidence and Joe can't dispute how I felt, at least not credibly. Try as hard as you can to stick to things you personally observed and stay away from asserting motive. Have a genuine conversation designed to help you better understand each other’s perspective and what each of you can do better in the future.
Brian Harry said in his blog:
"Examples – When giving feedback, it’s often useful to use examples. Examples help make the feedback concrete. But, don’t allow the conversation to turn into a refutation of every example. I've been in conversations where the person I'm talking with wants to go through every example I have and explain why my interpretation is wrong. Be open to being wrong but don’t let it turn into point/counterpoint. Examples are only examples to support your feedback."
When receiving a generic criticism, it's natural to sometimes ask for examples to help you understand what type of behaviour is being alluded to, but be careful to not then become defensive or fixated on justifying that instance.
If you feel you have some vital context to explain about that one example, make sure, as a minimum you end by saying "...but I do take your point in general."
Jane: I feel like you never reply to my emails, but I see on emails I am cc'ed on your reply to emails from others. Bob: Really? Can you give an example? (pause) Jane: The one about XXX Bob: I didn't reply because I saw Tiago reply. (pause) Jane: And that other one about YYY. Bob: I didn't reply because I thought you're upset and I felt it was a sensitive topic. (pause) Jane: I can't think of any other but it does happen
Figure: Bad example - Jane runs out of arguments and walks away deflated
Jane: I feel like you never reply to my emails, but I see on emails I am cc'ed on your reply to emails from others. Bob: Really? Can you give an example? (pause) Jane: The one about XXX Bob: I didn't reply because I saw Tiago reply... however, I do take your point in general. I will try to do better for the next week. Let me know if I've improved.
Figure: Good example - Jane feels heard
This will make the person who's giving you the feedback feel heard and that you have taken the criticism constructively. If you are also able to proactively suggest alternative behaviour for the future that would work for everyone, then you will build trust.
Alternatively, to demonstrate the feedback was understood correctly and to reaffirm your own understanding, it can be useful to offer a brief summary of the feedback provided and any necessary changes in an email or IM to the person. This will in-turn ensure you don’t overlook any feedback when attending to it and the person providing the feedback knows if there may have been any confusion, before the task is completed again.
Scrum processes are useful for more than just software development - it’s a great tool for organizing and optimizing all kinds of work, from presentations to meetings to events, sales, and more. The guys at SSW jokingly say, "you can't eat dinner with Adam Cogan without a retro about the meal".
You should get into the practice of having a retro for most tasks. It’s a great way to get feedback while it’s still fresh in people’s minds, and it lets you know what you need to change to be even more successful next time.
Get it in their mind at the kick-off
Let everyone know from the start that we do a “retro”, and what it entails (see the rule, Do you know what happens during a Sprint Retrospective Meeting?). This way, they will know to be mindful during the event/task/presentation and maybe even take notes. Then at the end, remind people, “In the spirit of Scrum, let’s do a retro.”
The 3 questions
Start with “What went well?” - everyone must say one thing.Then move onto, “What didn’t go so well?” This part can be painful but it’s important - we need to know these things so that we can make improvements.Finally, we ask, “What could we do differently next time?”
Adam: How was the presentation? Eddie: Yeah, it was alright.
Bad example: This line of questioning doesn’t provide useful feedback
Adam: What went well with your presentation? Eddie: People seemed to really relate to the case studies I presented. Adam: What didn’t go so well? Eddie: My demo didn’t work. That was really embarrassing. Adam: What would you do differently next time? Eddie: I’d definitely get there a bit earlier so I’d have time to troubleshoot that pesky demo on their wifi! That would also give me extra time to talk to the audience so I could find out what problems they’re hoping to solve with my session - it’s a good way to get more case studies!
Good example: The 3 magic questions got a lot more detail and the beginnings of a plan for next time
Swearing is not acceptable at work. People should not get comfortable with bad language as the work environment would suffer. You should be especially careful when giving and receiving feedback.
Some good deterrents are:
- A swear jar
- To enforce 10 push-ups for every infraction (recommended - this is the same concept as a swear jar but also promotes fitness).
One of the biggest mistakes people make when giving feedback is giving it when one or the other is stressed, angry, frustrated, or in a hurry – and this is one of the worst times to give feedback because people aren’t in a place to hear it and really think about it. Make sure the recipient of the feedback is in a safe space and prepared to take the feedback, rather than just rattling off everything that’s on your chest the moment you next speak to them.
Giving feedback should be done in a safe space, so as not to seem like you are directly attacking the feedback recipient. The way you word and give feedback is important and should be considered.
Consider starting with the following:
"Hey, can I share something with you?"
"Hey, have you got time now for a retro?"
Then start with the good… before the bad .
Brian Harry said in his blog:
"Don’t try to give feedback when you are angry or frustrated. Take the time to digest what you need to say – to separate your frustration from an objective assessment of what happened. Have a calm conversation about what you observed and what could be done differently."
Every day you will probably come across something that could be improved. If you're not making improvements, you're going backwards. But don't make suggestions or criticisms without being specific.
"Do you know our sales process is pretty bad, what are you going to do about it?"
Figure: Bad Example - Nonspecific criticism
When you find a problem, pinpoint it directly (and recommend a solution):
"The current sales process is pretty bad. It does not ensure that a prospect is followed up by a phone call within 7 days of an initial meeting. Please create a workflow in CRM, have it tested by the sales manager, and then we will email the sales team to inform them about the improvement."
Figure: Good Example - Offering criticism in this way ensures that something will happen to fix the problem
"Not done, please try again"
Figure: Bad Example - If they don't immediately know what to fix, this might end up in their "too hard" bucket and never get done"
"Not done, you missed the second requirement"
The specific missed requirement lets them quickly fix the mistake
Of course, there are times that you can 'feel' that a problem exists, but you may not even be sure how are unable to pinpoint it or can't think of a good solution. In this instance you should speak to someone who you think may be able to identify a solution, come to an agreement, and then request that action be taken.
When criticism is generic, it is impossible to know what to fix.
The sandwich rule approach is an effective way to provide feedback to other team members and clients.
- Start with positive feedback
- Give your recommendations for improvement
- End with some additional positive feedback (you may repeat #1)
This optimistic approach allows you to maintain a healthy relationship with your team members and clients.
**Figure: What not to do **
A sentence can be phrased in many ways. It is important to use positive language when speaking to clients. Instead of saying "I will NOT do X until you do Y", you can say "When you do Y, I will be happy to do X".
We will need your agreement on the mockup, and as soon as you are happy with it, we will develop it to the agreed mockup. We will not be able to change the mockup once made and you are happy with it.
We will develop the report once you are happy with and have signed off the mockup.
When you notice that someone has done something that could have been done better, make sure you are tactful in your correction/suggestions. When you are giving someone a correction or tip, try to include an URL to back up your point.
For example, if someone sends you an email like that:
Let's meet on Thursday at 3 PM
**Figure: Someone requests a meeting**
You could reply in different ways:
Subject: RE: Meeting
FYI - an appointment would have been better. See rule #48 in Rules to better Email
Figure: Bad Example
Subject RE: Meeting
I noticed you did not send an appointment for this meeting. I hope you don't mind, but I have gone ahead and created one so we don't all have to create one individually.We have a number of helpful standards like this which you can have a look at in our Rules to better Email if you're interested.
Figure: Good Example
According to Sydney Morning Herald's "Flame emails missing the mark":
"The senders of email messages expected their partners to correctly interpret their tone nearly 80% of the time, but in fact, they only scored just over 50%... Those attempting to interpret the message believed they had scored 90% accuracy".
Because there is no "tone of voice" in an email, sarcasm can easily be misinterpreted by the receiver. You can use a smiley face to soften it up a bit
To: John Subject: Keeping our office clean
Make sure your office is clean when clients come in - you might scare them away with all that mess.
Bad example: This is bad because it may seem like John is being reprimanded, even though the sender may just be giving him a "heads up" for next time
To: John Subject: Keeping our office clean
Make sure your office is clean when clients come in - you might scare them away with all that mess :)
Good example: Be friendly by adding a greeting. When in doubt, use a smiley face at the end of the comment
Usually, when you notice some undesirable behaviour, you would generally give feedback directly, but sometimes there is a better way that can train both the person and also their direct manager:
You can ask a manager for an "off the record" conversation where you can tell them something you have observed about the person they're managing and suggest that, if they agree, can they say something to the person?
This teaches the manager to observe these things and also helps the employee not to look bad (or get in trouble) from the boss. Then when/if the employee takes the feedback and it results in better actions in the next meeting, then you can compliment them publicly in the retro.